First Entry

2:39am Sunday, October 18, 2009

So this is my very first post in my very first blog. Ever. It surprises me that I have gotten to a point in my life where I am willing to share some of my innermost thoughts and feelings with basically anyone who cares to read them.

For the interested reader, I would like to tell you that the reason is this: it is because I have honestly experienced what I would call a "modern-day miracle" in my life. About 5 weeks ago, I began my first public school teaching position on the southside of Chicago. I have been a stutterer for 23 YEARS of my life; I am 28 years old. I have only NOT stuttered for the first 5 years of my life. That is crazy to me. But it is true. You can ask anyone who knows me, including my mom, my dad, my sisters, my brother-in-law, my niece, my nephews, my grandma, my aunts, my uncles, my teachers, my old bosses, all of my friends...everyone who KNOWS me knows that that is true.

I will write more about this later, but suffice it to say for now that I had to sift through my life and memories, basically starting from the age of 5, and relive a very traumatic experience that I went through. THIS, essentially, was the cause of my stuttering, I believe. The experience that I went through left me feeling nervous, scared, anxious, and very low self-esteem. I NEVER gave up any of these feelings for 23 years. I think that, to a major extent, they mostly grew over time, more and more, and induced my stuttering, more and more.

But it isn't that cut and dry. Stuttering has come and gone "in waves," I would say. But I can honestly tell you that there has NEVER ONCE been a completely fluent-speaking day in my life for the past 23 years. Until 5 weeks ago. Seriously. THINK about that. Because it's VERY true.

Well...on the Friday of my 1st week of teaching, I got home and I could not stop thinking about a tarot reading that I had in Jerome, AZ, about two years ago. The story about this psychic, Cynthia Renee Criswell, is whole 'nother story that I will spare you from now. (only for the sake of "time")

My reading with Renee lasted almost 90 minutes. She normally "only" reads for an hour, which is still a very long time in my opinion. But she knew how important the information that she was giving to me was, so she took a very long, slow time transmitting the information to me. To cut to the chase, everything that she told me was either already true or has since come true. The only thing that "hadn't" come true, or so I thought, was this one detail regarding my career: Cynthia told me that the cards were saying that I was going to find work in the "South." I thought that she meant this literally, as in Florida, Georgia, or somewhere like that. But then it CLICKED on that Friday afternoon when I got home from work...I realized..."OH MY GOSH, this is ALREADY TRUE! I DO work in the 'south...,' I work on the SOUTHSIDE!" And that is what I tell everyone I meet, "I work on the Southside." So, Cynthia was right about THAT, TOO!

When THAT last bit of information clicked into place in my head, for some reason, I realized that I could stop stuttering. I realized that I had actually (and sadly) been CHOOSING to speak the way that I spoke. It is still hard for me to even believe now, but it is TRUE! I was CHOOSING to stutter. Even the extent to which I was stuttering at various times...ALL MY CHOICE.

I HAD to accept everything that Cynthia told me to be true, because it all CAME true...or WAS already true. I even have my reading with her recorded on a cassette tape. And so when I realized that EVERYTHING she told me was true, for SOME reason, I realized that I could stop stuttering.

It was not just the above-mentioned moments that contributed to my "epiphany," "miracle," or whatever you prefer to call what I have experienced. I think that praying before bed as often as I could remember for the past 20 years had something major to do with it. I also think that seeking out a more spiritual way of living my life has had something to do with it. I think that me taking yoga at Ball State last year had a huge part to do with it. I think that me getting to musically direct VIOLET at Ball State ALSO had a huge deal to do with it: VIOLET IS MY STORY. So if you want to understand how I feel much better, get to know that musical. Because it seriously IS my story--on so many different levels. It's not even funny. Haha.

I also think that people who are currently in my life and have been praying for me all these years has also had something to do with it. I definitely know that Paul, Phillip and Margaret have all had something to do with it. I knwo that my work with the Ball State Musical Theater Program has helped to lead me to where I now am, too. And of course my family, friends, etc. But MOST of all, I realize that it was GOD who GAVE me this miracle. Truly.

AND SO, because I feel THIS WAY, I also feel a need to start this blog and share my story. Eventually, I want to find a good way to start having friends in my life share their own personal miracles. But I want this blog to be more than something to read. I want it to be something that people who know me can read to sympathize with me...or empathize with me...or let me and others sympathize and/or emptahize with them through their own personal stories.

The bottom line is that I want to use this as another way to start putting care and love back into the world. That is a lot of what the world needs right now...love. So HERE it comes. I hope that you will take it with you.